So my hope ran out today. I kept hoping that I would somehow be pregnant too, but it didn't happen. I actually took another test this morning, knowing it would be negative- given my luck with those things. I still kept hoping though. I am supposed to go to the doctor's tomorrow, so in my head I just thought "Oh I know, he will send me for blood work and that will show that I am!". In fact, right after I took the test this morning I had another one of those pains that I thought was identical to the round ligament pains I had with my son. It happened literally minutes after the negative test, so I was trying to look at that as a good sign all day. Then tonight, ironically just as my husband and I were sitting down to watch True Blood, my body proved to me under no uncertain terms that I am indeed NOT pregnant. Again.

My husband is so clueless about all of this, that he doesn't even get what is bothering me. And given he doesn't seem all that interested in talking about more kids, I don't see the point in detailing what is 'wrong' with me. He knows I have been upset, but he just figured I stopped taking my lamictal (yes, because seizures sound like a better alternative!). I really want to be able to talk to him, but I can't. There isn't anything to say. I have tried. Granted I tend to write long emails because that is easier for me, and because the few times I have tried face to face, I just get too upset to say what I need to. I get that he is trying to be the 'sensible' one, but sometimes you can go overboard with that, and I think this is the case. I don't want 5 more, I want ONE. This will not somehow destroy our life, so I don't understand what the huge problem is for him or how I can get him to see where I am coming from. I am going to have to try this talk again though, because I can't take any more of this waiting and hoping and knowing that there is nothing I can do. Also, now that I am going to have to hear endlessly about my brother's baby-to-be, and knowing that if this had worked for me, his girlfriend and I would have been due within weeks of each other, this next year is going to be impossible... I want to cry just thinking about how it is going to be fore me when that baby is born. Even worse: How I will feel if it is the first Grand Daughter! I felt bad enough when Caden was born just a few months after his cousin Ben. I know it is just in MY head, but I felt like it was just "oh, another boy.." because I didn't even get to have the FIRST grandchild, like I had just figured would happen for some reason (though my older brother is quite a bit older than I so that is rather silly really) and I wasn't happily married and doing things "right' . Although, I know my family didn't care in the least about that bit of it, but I sure felt the pressure from Matt's family!

Anyway, so now I am just sad and I have no way of 'fixing' this. I dread the next year and all the baby news from both friends and family. Which, I know, makes me sound like a horrible old cow, but I just can't help it. :(