I woke up to a phone call this morning from my brother. First this is extremely unusual, so for a fraction of a second I was panicking about my parents, but when he spoke he was his usual self so I knew they were okay. But then he said:

"Sarah's pregnant. 5 weeks"

Inside, obviously I am so uber jealous I could scream. On the outside though I tried to be happy for them. I know they aren't really in the position to have a baby (but then, neither was I with Caden) and it was a big surprise (this morning no less!). He did mention that they aren't sure they want to keep it (oh my heart is breaking-- why couldn't I have gotten that positive test???) but I was worried that Sarah would pretend she didn't because she would figure that is what Ryan wants. So I told him to go with her to the appointment at the consultation. Against my better judgment I even told them where it is in town (but I am the bigger and been there done that sister after all) and I told them to not decide anything right away. Surprise pregnancies are so scary when you aren't sure you can manage and I freaked out crying with mine too (though I had a better reason, having found out on an ultrasound when I was 21 weeks after having thought I had a brain tumor for weeks!).

So there is yet another person to add to my million dnd one friends that are pregnant when I am not.

And it's my brother! Can't get much worse for my jealousy... and if they keep it and she has a girl? *sigh* can't even handle thinking about that one.

The only plus side is that I still haven't gotten my lovely monthly visitor, but I am sure it will arrive today just to make me feel even more cheerful. :(

Today I got one of these:












Instead of one of these:











My reaction?















The end.

Today I am rather sad. Yet another friend has announced their pregnancy. I try to be happy for my friends. Really.... I do. I mean, I AM happy for them, it's just I am so jealous that it is hard for me to be as happy for them as I should be. After all, I have been wanting another since my son turned 2. I have always said I wanted 2 kids and that I didn't want to be over 30 when I had them both. I turn 29 in less than 2 months and not only am I not pregnant, my husband won't even really let me talk about it. He knows perfectly well how I feel, but he is rather OCD in tat he over plans everything. If Caden hadn't been a (huge) surprise, we probably stil wouldn't have any.

With Caden, we didn't even know until I was 21 weeks. Long story, but basically I didn't test positive on blood or urine tests, and my hormone levels were messed up so it was thought I had a brain tumor. It was only on the suggestion of my mother that I got an ultrasound BEFORE going for an MRI. Luckily, it was not a brain tumor, but a baby-- and a much bigger one than anyone would have expected given I had ZERO symptoms except for the missing period, and the numerous negative tests.

Needless to say, given that I only really had 4 months of being pregnant, and didn't get the fun of taking a test and all, I feel like I got ripped off. I got tossed into motherhood without enough time to prepare or really get as excited about it as I would have liked. So here I am, wishing I could do it again, but I have no control over this and am stuck watching everyone else announce the happy news while I fake a smile and a cheery "congrats!" only to really be so jealous I could scream.

I wish I knew how to explain to my husband just how important this is to me. I feel like I have to argue my side to 'win' with him (as is usually the case!) but I can never come up with a reason that is suitable for him. Also, I can never get a direct answer from him whether he even wants any more.. which makes things worse for me. I honestly think this would be a deal breaker for me. I just can't let this one go. So I have been patiently waiting, trying not to be too annoying by bringing it up all the time, but with this birthday coming up added to so many of my friends announcement, well... I am about ready to have a big crying tantrum! I know- how mature right? But sometimes that's just what I need to do to get it out of me.

Unfortunately, Matt is working so much right now, (he is a copywriter for an ad agency) that I really don't think he'd even entertain the mere idea of it, no matter HOW I try to argue for it. What's a girl to do?