I just felt horribly depressed. I hate it when this happens- it's just like out of no where I get hit by a ton of crappy thoughts. I *think* it is because an old friend got in conact with me tonight...and I hate trying to talk about "what I am doing now" because the answer is nothing really. I mean, I am not working and all I do every day is take Caden to school and pick him up I might get groceries, do laundry, or hit up the dentist yet again, but not much else. How sad is that?

The thing is, my friend didn't seem up to a whole lot more. She is a single mom and going to school (she didn't say what) and I think that it is the simple fact that she is in school when I wanted to be-- but I screwed it up and now I am at a loss what to do. I just feel like I am useless. I am not even working because I am so nervous about the getting a job process and about working out childcare for Caden. I feel like I am not good enough. Given I essentially got fired from the last job I had here in Toronto ( not that it was my fault, new owner fired everyone) I am just afraid to try. I want to be good at something, I want to be worth something and I am just NOT.

Ugh. This is why I hate the whole 'getting in touch with old friends' thing. I just don't handle it well... Oh and add my usual body issues on top of that. My first thought when she contacted me was "Omg, I hope she doesn't think I am a huge fat cow!" I know, I am pathetic. :(

So my hope ran out today. I kept hoping that I would somehow be pregnant too, but it didn't happen. I actually took another test this morning, knowing it would be negative- given my luck with those things. I still kept hoping though. I am supposed to go to the doctor's tomorrow, so in my head I just thought "Oh I know, he will send me for blood work and that will show that I am!". In fact, right after I took the test this morning I had another one of those pains that I thought was identical to the round ligament pains I had with my son. It happened literally minutes after the negative test, so I was trying to look at that as a good sign all day. Then tonight, ironically just as my husband and I were sitting down to watch True Blood, my body proved to me under no uncertain terms that I am indeed NOT pregnant. Again.

My husband is so clueless about all of this, that he doesn't even get what is bothering me. And given he doesn't seem all that interested in talking about more kids, I don't see the point in detailing what is 'wrong' with me. He knows I have been upset, but he just figured I stopped taking my lamictal (yes, because seizures sound like a better alternative!). I really want to be able to talk to him, but I can't. There isn't anything to say. I have tried. Granted I tend to write long emails because that is easier for me, and because the few times I have tried face to face, I just get too upset to say what I need to. I get that he is trying to be the 'sensible' one, but sometimes you can go overboard with that, and I think this is the case. I don't want 5 more, I want ONE. This will not somehow destroy our life, so I don't understand what the huge problem is for him or how I can get him to see where I am coming from. I am going to have to try this talk again though, because I can't take any more of this waiting and hoping and knowing that there is nothing I can do. Also, now that I am going to have to hear endlessly about my brother's baby-to-be, and knowing that if this had worked for me, his girlfriend and I would have been due within weeks of each other, this next year is going to be impossible... I want to cry just thinking about how it is going to be fore me when that baby is born. Even worse: How I will feel if it is the first Grand Daughter! I felt bad enough when Caden was born just a few months after his cousin Ben. I know it is just in MY head, but I felt like it was just "oh, another boy.." because I didn't even get to have the FIRST grandchild, like I had just figured would happen for some reason (though my older brother is quite a bit older than I so that is rather silly really) and I wasn't happily married and doing things "right' . Although, I know my family didn't care in the least about that bit of it, but I sure felt the pressure from Matt's family!

Anyway, so now I am just sad and I have no way of 'fixing' this. I dread the next year and all the baby news from both friends and family. Which, I know, makes me sound like a horrible old cow, but I just can't help it. :(

I woke up to a phone call this morning from my brother. First this is extremely unusual, so for a fraction of a second I was panicking about my parents, but when he spoke he was his usual self so I knew they were okay. But then he said:

"Sarah's pregnant. 5 weeks"

Inside, obviously I am so uber jealous I could scream. On the outside though I tried to be happy for them. I know they aren't really in the position to have a baby (but then, neither was I with Caden) and it was a big surprise (this morning no less!). He did mention that they aren't sure they want to keep it (oh my heart is breaking-- why couldn't I have gotten that positive test???) but I was worried that Sarah would pretend she didn't because she would figure that is what Ryan wants. So I told him to go with her to the appointment at the consultation. Against my better judgment I even told them where it is in town (but I am the bigger and been there done that sister after all) and I told them to not decide anything right away. Surprise pregnancies are so scary when you aren't sure you can manage and I freaked out crying with mine too (though I had a better reason, having found out on an ultrasound when I was 21 weeks after having thought I had a brain tumor for weeks!).

So there is yet another person to add to my million dnd one friends that are pregnant when I am not.

And it's my brother! Can't get much worse for my jealousy... and if they keep it and she has a girl? *sigh* can't even handle thinking about that one.

The only plus side is that I still haven't gotten my lovely monthly visitor, but I am sure it will arrive today just to make me feel even more cheerful. :(

Today I got one of these:












Instead of one of these:











My reaction?















The end.

Caden had his 5th Birthday on Saturday, October 17th. We went to Medieval Times and it was one of the best things we have done since moving to Toronto! We had a great time... and as you can see, Knight Caden is excellent at fighting off invisible dragons! I got a flower from 'our' Knight too, and luckily, we were cheering for the Green Knight, green just happens to be Caden's favourite colour!



Here we are cheering and waving our green flags. That's me hiding behind my hair, Caden who looks like he has food on his face, but in fact it is just he has been licking his lips too much, and Matt is just behind Caden.



Here is the Black and White Knight while they were showing off some of their skills =)










Just a random shot of part of the show...













Knight Caden with his Auntie Sarah and his brand new sword and shield, with the Green Knight on the front of course.




I have a few more pictures to put up one I get them loaded as well, these were just stolen from Sarah's facebook as she is not as much of a procrastinator as I am with such things! :)

I just wanted to post a little on the quilt I have started. I have wanted to make a quilt for ages now, but was always too much of a chicken to start one. Then I heard about English Paper Piecing, and decided I could manage making a quilt that way. I have a tiny apartment here in Toronto (despite the not tiny cost!) so the actual quilting I won't be able to manage. I have a nearly 5 year old, a dog and a husband in a tiny 2 bedroom- it's just not going to happen! So, instead of trying to set up a quilting frame, I think I will send the quilt top, whenever it finally gets finished, to get professionally quilted. For now though, I am hand sewing about 3500 hexagons using my beautiful reproduction 1930's feedsack fabric. It is actually coming along very well, despite only working on it at night when I watch tv, or if I have an appointment to wait for.

To the left is the travel set I made. You can see the hexagon papers I bought (far too lazy to print and cut them myself!) my needle case, thread, silver tin of pins, and some small scissors and well as some hexagons pinned to fabric squares, ready for me to work on.

This is a set of all 20 fabrics I am currently using. I will need to place another order for 20 different fat quarters, and then I will buy some white or cream fabric for the rest of the quilt.



These are some of my completed ones, though I have finished another row and a half since this was taken. I haven't done much in the past week since my cousin was here, but I hope to catch up soon. I plan to finish about 30 per day so I can complete them all within 4 months, though I am sure I will be at least a little behind schedule!

Anyway, so that is what I have been doing in my spare time and hopefully I will get it done sometime in at least the next 5 years! =)

Today I am rather sad. Yet another friend has announced their pregnancy. I try to be happy for my friends. Really.... I do. I mean, I AM happy for them, it's just I am so jealous that it is hard for me to be as happy for them as I should be. After all, I have been wanting another since my son turned 2. I have always said I wanted 2 kids and that I didn't want to be over 30 when I had them both. I turn 29 in less than 2 months and not only am I not pregnant, my husband won't even really let me talk about it. He knows perfectly well how I feel, but he is rather OCD in tat he over plans everything. If Caden hadn't been a (huge) surprise, we probably stil wouldn't have any.

With Caden, we didn't even know until I was 21 weeks. Long story, but basically I didn't test positive on blood or urine tests, and my hormone levels were messed up so it was thought I had a brain tumor. It was only on the suggestion of my mother that I got an ultrasound BEFORE going for an MRI. Luckily, it was not a brain tumor, but a baby-- and a much bigger one than anyone would have expected given I had ZERO symptoms except for the missing period, and the numerous negative tests.

Needless to say, given that I only really had 4 months of being pregnant, and didn't get the fun of taking a test and all, I feel like I got ripped off. I got tossed into motherhood without enough time to prepare or really get as excited about it as I would have liked. So here I am, wishing I could do it again, but I have no control over this and am stuck watching everyone else announce the happy news while I fake a smile and a cheery "congrats!" only to really be so jealous I could scream.

I wish I knew how to explain to my husband just how important this is to me. I feel like I have to argue my side to 'win' with him (as is usually the case!) but I can never come up with a reason that is suitable for him. Also, I can never get a direct answer from him whether he even wants any more.. which makes things worse for me. I honestly think this would be a deal breaker for me. I just can't let this one go. So I have been patiently waiting, trying not to be too annoying by bringing it up all the time, but with this birthday coming up added to so many of my friends announcement, well... I am about ready to have a big crying tantrum! I know- how mature right? But sometimes that's just what I need to do to get it out of me.

Unfortunately, Matt is working so much right now, (he is a copywriter for an ad agency) that I really don't think he'd even entertain the mere idea of it, no matter HOW I try to argue for it. What's a girl to do?